Faith Meets Academia

Episode 55 - The “It’s Me” Formula: A Three-Step Guide to Self-Awareness and Personal Accountability

• Dr. Adrian Reynolds

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The It’s Me Formula is a simple three-step method you can use in under 30 seconds to break the blame cycle and reclaim personal agency. In this episode, neuroscience and faith come together as we explore how breathing calms the brain, how ownership restores control, and how one question can change outcomes.

We recap the It’s Me movement and why self-awareness and personal responsibility matter. You will learn how stress hijacks the body, how intentional breathing resets the nervous system, and how saying “It’s me” shifts you toward an internal locus of control.

Using Isaiah 6 as a model of humility and readiness, we introduce metacognition through a single question: What role did I play? We clarify the difference between fault and responsibility, address common objections, and apply the formula to real-life situations at work, home, school, and even on the road.

Call to action:
Text me using the Send Us a Message link below the episode title and tell me how the It’s Me Formula shifted your emotions, conversations, or reactions.

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DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely my own and do not reflect or represent the positions, policies, or opinions of my employer, any organization or academic institution with which I am affiliated. This podcast is a personal initiative, and is not connected to my official/ formal duties and responsibilities as a university professor.

Speaker:

Hello, good morning. Buenos días. Welcome back. Welcome back to Faith Meets Academia. I'm so delighted that you've decided to join me once again for another episode 55. Oh, it's going to be an amazing one. This one's titled The It's Me Formula. The It's Me Formula, a three-step guide to self-awareness and personal accountability. And as you probably could already tell, this is building on episode 54. You want to know what episode 54 is? I'm not going to tell you. Check it out. But don't move forward with episode 55 until you've listened 54. Okay. In order to really appreciate the essence of what episode 55 is getting across, you have to listen to episode 54 first. All right. Good. I pray you'll have a productive week and be a blessing to someone else.

Speaker:

All right, so let's get right into this. So in last week's episode, I'm just gonna lift the current a little bit. This is just a quick recap, right? But again, you need to listen to the whole thing before you listen to episode 55. But we started something really powerful, right? We started the It's Me movement, right? Now let me just level set the expectations here. When I say movement in this context, I'm not talking about some fancy new website or YouTube channel or yeah, I'm not talking about those kinds of bells and whistles of social media campaign. I don't know. Guess what? You are the movement. If you own this formula that I'm gonna be introducing to you today, if you own it, if you use it to transform your relationships, to build your self-awareness, to keep it real with yourself, right? Personal accountability. If you do that, then that's the movement. You are the movement. You're practicing this formula is the movement. Got it? You are the movement. Once you get moving using this formula, that's it. That's the movement.

Speaker:

And so last week we talked about this sometimes uncomfortable moment where you stop looking out the window, if you will, at everybody else's mistakes and their flaws and how they're the cause of your own challenges, setbacks, disappointments, etc., and start looking at the person in the mirror. We talked about shifting from the blame game and moving into a position or posture of ownership, personal responsibility, and accountability for what you have been empowered to implement, to execute in this world. And the response, generally speaking, has been quite positive, I must say. I'm still waiting to hear from many of you. All right. You can send me a message anonymously. If you look right below the episode title, you'll see a link that says send us a text. You just click that link, yeah, just tap that link, write your message, hit send. That's it. Now, if you wish, you could self-identify, but if you prefer to stay anonymous, that's fine. But I'd love to hear from you, especially when you have implemented this formula that I'm going to be talking about today.

Speaker:

Yes, if you found yourself stuck in the blame game, then this one's for you. Blaming the boss, blaming the spouse, blaming the system, blaming your children. And the list goes on and on. Then we're about to break that cycle with this simple three-step formula. How do we apply the it's me formula or method in the heat of the moment? That's what this boils down to. When you feel like you have every reason to say no, it ain't me, it's you. Yeah, I'm talking about those moments when the email comes in from your supervisor that just feels totally unfair. Right? That moment when your spouse makes that one comment that just ignites something inside of you, just triggers you instantly, right? Or when you get that grade back for those students out there that you just didn't expect. Or when your child acts out in public. In those instances, your brain just does not want to say it's me. Your biology, your biochemistry just doesn't want to bring you to the point of saying, it's me. I'm here to help you through that. Psychologically, it's just it's not something that's automatic. The first inclination is to say, it's you. You are the problem. If you had done what you were supposed to do, then I wouldn't be this stressed. I wouldn't be struggling right now. Yes, projecting blame onto someone else is a survival mechanism, it's an immediate defense against the discomfort, the vulnerability that comes with real true accountability. Saying it's you, right, playing that blame game, is the mechanism that we often use to find some outside source for the problem, for that pain, for that discomfort, thereby ensuring that the self, the ego, remains protected, intact, and quote unquote, blameless.

Speaker:

And so today I want to give you a tool. I want to give you a tool to take back your agency, your God-given power to regulate your own emotions so you can grow into who you were destined by God to be. Yeah, you need a system to implement quote unquote, it's me. I'm not gonna give you some complicated acronym or a 10-step flowchart for you to memorize and recite. I want to give you just three practical, simple, non-negotiable actions. I'm telling you, I've tried this, and in episode 56, I am going to share with you a couple of personal experiences. I'm gonna get into the details of how the It's Me formula has transformed my life. So there are three things that you can do in less than 30 seconds. Yeah, I timed it, and it will totally shift the outcome. It'll transform how you learn, how you relate to others, and how you control any given situation by controlling your own self. Are you ready? All right, here's the formula three steps. Get a pen and paper, jot it down, type it in your phone. If you're driving, it's so simple, you'll still be able to remember by the time you get to your destination.

Speaker:

All right, so here is step number one. First step, take a deep breath.

Speaker:

Step number two, say it's me. Third step, ask this question. What role did I play? That's it. Pretty simple, right? But don't let the simplicity fool you, right? These three steps are backed by neuroscience as well as the word of God. So let's break them down one by one. Alright, so the first step, take a deep breath. So, yes, you know that moment when you're sitting in that meeting and someone questions your expertise or undermines your authority, or just starts talking over you or cut you off in mid-sentence. Or that moment when your group member or team member just didn't meet the deadline, and now it leaves you scrambling. Physiologically, the temperature starts rising, your breathing gets real shallow, your heart rate spikes, your mind starts racing, your muscles start tightening. I mean, you might not feel like you're experiencing a panic attack or something, but your body experiences these changes. Sometimes you're able to feel it, and sometimes it might be less acute, but it doesn't mean that it's not happening. Here's what you do: step one, take a deep breath. And like really take a deep breath. Pause, take a deep breath. This isn't just a cliche, right? This is neuroscience in action. When we're stressed, our nervous system shifts into fight or flight mode, right? The body gets flooded with stress hormones, right? But slow, deep breathing sends that signal to the brain that hey, I'm safe, everything's gonna be alright, I'm not under attack. So calming things down so you can think more clearly starts with this simple action. The research shows clearly that intentional deep breathing activates what we call the parasympathetic nervous system. That's the body's rest and digest mode, and that's the counter response, if you will, to the high stress response when you feel like you're under attack. This isn't just calm talk, right? Slow breathing really changes how your nervous system responds, like in real time. I do this all the time. I have an aura ring that monitors my sleep, my resilience, stress, heart rate, heart rate variability, etc. And when I engage in deep breathing, I can see it on the chart. My stress level just plummets. So let's do it together right now. Find a comfortable place to sit, just drop your shoulders, relax, pretend like nothing else matters, but just your breathing. Place one hand on your belly, inhale slowly through your nose for four counts or four seconds, letting your belly expand. Inhale, two, three, four. Now exhale long and slow through your mouth for six counts or six seconds, letting the air release gently. Exhale, two, three, four, five, six. Just those two breaths begin to switch off the stress system and switch on the calm system by stimulating what is called the vagus nerve. It's the primary component of the parasympathetic nervous system that monitors and regulates how your heart, lungs, and digestive tract functions. And so when that nerve is stimulated, it slows the heart rate, it calms the mind, and leads to a feeling of relaxation. In other words, it's like you take your foot off the gas pedal and slowly hit the brake pedal. When you're in survival defensive blame mode, you're not capable of thinking clearly, effectively, thoughtfully. It's just almost impossible to initiate a Christ-like response when you're in that state. You can't reflect deeply when you're in survival mode. So when I tell you take a deep breath, I'm not just trying to buy you some time. I'm giving you a physiological override switch, if you will. Controlled deep breathing, inhaling slowly, exhaling slowly to activate, to tell your brain, hey, there's no need to fight, there's no need to run, there's no need to defend. I'm in a completely safe space. Stand down. So this brings your prefrontal cortex back online, right? That this is the ultimate result of the deep breathing, right? And you can look it up, but the prefrontal cortex is that part of your brain that's responsible for executive functions such as planning, decision making, self-control, your attention, your focus, how you regulate your emotion, perception of social judgment or social norms, etc. And so deep breathing helps to activate that so that you're able to think clearly, to pause, reflect, make wise decisions. And friends, let me just tell you this isn't just biology, this isn't just neuroscience, this is biblical wisdom. Psalm 46, 10, David says, Be still and know that I am God. It's interesting. I think we pay closer attention to the know that I am God, peace. And we often don't take enough time to reflect on just those two first words. Be still. This order matters. How do you get to develop a relationship with God? We often talk about a personal relationship with God. How do you develop that kind of a relationship if you're not able to clearly hear and discern his voice, his will for you? How do you understand the Holy Spirit and your own heart? If you're always rushing, no time to rest, no time to take deep breaths. I just explained the physiological and the psychological impact of that. Your brain needs time to be still. If you're always in a frantic, chaotic mode, just flying by the seat of your pants, as they say. It's hard for you to capture the wisdom of God. Think about Elijah in 1 Kings 19. He was stressed out, running for his life. He was depressed, suicidal, burnt out. He was looking for God in the strong wind. God wasn't there. He was looking in the earthquake. He wasn't there. He was looking in the fire. He was looking to see God in the fire. God wasn't there either. Where was God? In the still small voice. And so if you're just screaming on the inside, you you can't hear the still small voice. It's not there. It's not in the noise, it's in the stillness. So step one of the it's me formula is pretty simple. Pause and take a deep breath, calm the body and the mind so the spirit can speak. Alright. Are you ready? Next step. Say these two words. It's me. Alright, so once we have the body and the mind under control and you're able to think more thoughtfully, once your cortisol level has decreased, we're in a much stronger position to say these two words in a confident, relaxed state of mind. You can say it out loud if you're alone, you can say it silently if you're in a crowded room, but you have to say it. You have to say it's me. I'm telling you, this is powerful. I use it like almost every day. Okay, well, why do you have to actually say this? So, as I mentioned in the last episode, in psychology, we talk about something called the locus of control. So people generally fall into one of two camps, right? You have an external locus of control where you believe that life happens to you. You're a victim of your circumstances, of the traffic, of your boss, of the economy, etc. And then you have an internal locus of control where you believe that you have agency, you have the power to make things happen, right? God has given us power. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love, power, and of a sound mind, right? You have power. You have the power to influence actions and outcomes through your own actions. And when you're in a constant blame cycle, it's their fault, it's his fault, it's her fault. You're operating in an external locus of control. You're really, in essence, giving your power away. You're basically saying, I'm a helpless audience member in the movie of my own life. That's not a great way to live your life. But the moment you say it's me, you flip the switch. You're telling your brain, hey, wait a minute. Hey, I am an actor on this stage, I'm a participant in this equation, and because I'm a participant, I have the power to be a mover and shaker. Now, you hear me clearly, saying it's me is not about taking the blame. Again, it's not about taking the blame for things you didn't do. It's not about living with shame and guilt, it's about agency. It's about taking back the power that God has given us. Let's take a look at how this is illustrated in the scriptures. In the sixth chapter of Isaiah, the this prophet he has this incredible vision. He sees the Lord sitting on a throne, he's high, he's lifted up, the train of his robe fills the temple. The angels are crying, holy, as the Lord of hosts, the whole earth is full of his glory. Now, Isaiah lived in a time of deep moral corruption in the nation of Judah. And he could have looked at that holy vision and said, Look at these people down here. Look at it, look at these folks. They they're so sinful, they're so messy, they're so removed from the glory of God. They need to get it together. I did all that I could do. It's on them. Because sometimes people in leadership position, sometimes faith-based leaders, yes, ministers, pastors, and so on. That that's the approach that some take. Hey, I've preached the word, I've preached righteousness and holiness, and I've preached the doctrine, I've kept the doors of the church open. If the people don't come, if the people go astray, then hey, it's on them. No, you have to, you ought to be humble enough. Yes, I'm talking to you, you have to be humble enough to say it's me. After you take a deep breath. And guess what? Yes, the parishioners, the congregants, need to do the same as well. I'm telling you, the it's me movement, it's a collective thing. Nobody's off the hook. That's what makes it work. The more people do it together, is the more powerful it works. And so, yeah, Isaiah could have pointed the finger at the people he was called to serve, but he didn't. When he sees God, his when he saw the Lord, his immediate reaction was one of absolute self-awareness, self-accountability, and repentance. What did he say? He started with himself. He said, Woe is me. He owned his condition. And because he owned it, what happened next? One of the seraphim flew to him with a live coal and touched his lips and purged his sin. And then the voice of the Lord said, Who shall I send? And Isaiah said, Here am I. I send me. Yeah, take a look at it, Isaiah 6, 5 through 8. Then said I, Woe is me, for I am undone, because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips, for mine eyes have seen the king, the Lord of hosts. Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a life coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongues from off the altar. And he laid it upon my mouth and said, Lo, this hath touched my lips, oh hallelujah! And thine iniquity is taken away. Ah woof. I felt chills just now. And thy sin purged. Also I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? Then said I, Oh, here we go again. Tell me this formula in biblical. Then said I, Here am I, send me. He didn't point to the nations, he didn't point to the people's sin first, he pointed to his own shortcomings. The vision of God's holiness didn't fire up his self-righteousness, didn't activate an ounce of self-righteousness in him. It activated his self-awareness. It made him aware of his own desperate need for cleansing. He owned his condition. Woe is me. And because he owned it, what happened? He was purged from his sin. So you see the progression? Ownership leads to cleansing. The cleansing leads to the commission. God says, God asks, Who shall I send? He says, Send me. You can't be used by God to change the situation if your mental space and your mental energy is consumed with identifying how everyone else has gone wrong. I see that very often across spaces and time, even in faith-based circles. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, it happens there. You have to own your presence in the situation. Yeah. Shift your mindset, claim your agency, say it's me. Alright, the third and final step. What role did I play? Now that you've calmed your mind and your body, you've claimed your agency, your ownership by acknowledging it's me. Now we're gonna even be more specific. We're not letting ourselves off the hook. We acknowledge that we play a role, so we're asking the question specifically: what role did I play? Now note this carefully. I didn't say ask, why is this happening? Why are they being so difficult? Why are they being so mean? How come my colleague got the promotion that I was waiting for for years? Why was I overlooked? I'm not talking about those questions. I want you to look backward at the situation. This is a moment of reflection. Whether it's the argument that you just had, the project that just failed, the tension in your home, the board exam that you didn't pass, what role did I play? This engages a cognitive process we call metacognition. It's just a fancy way of saying thinking about your own thinking. And it moves you out of the emotional center of your brain into the analytical part. You start treating your behavior like data, like information to be thought about, to be analyzed. And so you might ask yourself, was there a warning sign that I ignored? Did I fail to set a boundary two or three months ago that led to this mess that I'm in today? Did I assume something that wasn't true? Did I misunderstand a comment that was made? Was my tone too harsh, even if my words were right? What was my facial expression like? What was I going through that day that might have caused me to react to the way I did? Was my silence interpreted as agreement? Did I consider all the possible alternatives? Was the person on the other end just having a bad day? The language they used, was it a direct personal attack? Or were they just giving feedback on the work itself? Someone cuts you off on the highway. You can apply this formula. Take a deep breath. Yep. It's like you don't, it's like this is a total stranger. Like you don't even know this person. Just take a deep breath, let them do their thing. Yep. I know this might even sound like it doesn't make sense, but yes, say it's me. And in that situation, it's me is actually saying I have control over how I react. You know, if you speed up and chase them down and cut them off right back, then you're allowing them to control your emotions and your actions or reactions. We can't afford to empower others to have that kind of power over us. So, yes, in that moment you might feel, hey, this is wrong. But breathe in, breathe out, say it's me, and ask the question: what role did I play? Your role in this example is I'm in control, I'm gonna slow down if I have to, let them weave in and out of traffic, cut off the person next to me. Hey, whatever. Let the authorities handle that. And you control what's in your power to control. That's yourself and the vehicle you're driving. Take a look at Psalm 139. David had to have been one of the most reflective writers in the Bible. David starts out in Psalm 139 by saying, O Lord, you have searched me and known me. And look at how he ends that psalm in verses 23 and 24. He prays this prayer. He says, Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts, and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. In other words, he invited an audit, self-inventory, as sometimes we call it. He wanted to know his role in all of this. He opened up the door to critical self-reflection. So that is step three. Yes, what role did I play? Now I know for some of you might be hard hearing all of this, and you're really thinking about it, you're wrestling with it, you're analyzing it. And right now there's a big butt floating in your mind. B-U-T. You're listening to this three-step formula, and you're like, Yeah, I get what you're saying. It sounds like the high road, but you don't know my situation. Let me address the skeptics out there. There's some objections that you may have to this formula, and get it. It's reasonable that I address them. Because I don't want you to have any excuses to not try this formula.

Speaker:

So there is the justice objection, if you will. And it goes something like this Hey, Dr. Reynolds, like it really is their fault. The professor just did a horrible job teaching this the material. And so I was just at a total loss. I didn't even know what to study. My my co-worker just flat out lied to the boss. My spouse is the one who started the fight. It wasn't me. If I say it's me, am I not just gaslighting myself? Isn't that letting the other person off the hook? Here's the answer Saying it's me is not an admission of guilt for somebody else's actions. It's an admission of responsibility for your reaction. You're getting it now? Let me repeat that. Saying it's me is not an admission of guilt for the actions of others, it's an admission of responsibility for how you react. We have to distinguish between fault and responsibility. Yeah, it might be 90% their fault. Yes, they might be totally wrong. But as long as you focus on their 90%, you are powerless. You can't change them. You can scream at the rain, but it won't stop raining. But when you shift the focus to your 10%, your response, your preparation, your attitude, your emotions, your boundaries, you become the most powerful person in the room. You become a problem solver. Don't give up that power. Alright, here's another objection to this formula that you might have.

Speaker:

Maybe we could call it the doormat objection. And it may go something like this: if I say it's me in a toxic environment, toxic relationship, isn't that me being weak? Isn't that just like letting people walk all over me? Actually, it's the opposite. It's me is a power move. When you ask what role did I play, sometimes the answer is hard. But here's the truth: taking ownership is just not the same as accepting mistreatment. Responsibility isn't about saying everything that goes wrong is your fault. It's about recognizing what you can control and what you can influence. So you're not powerless in the situation. So accountability is a forward-looking response, not a backward-looking guilt trip. So when you ask what role did I play, there's this author called Renee Brown. She's a research professor who's widely known for her work on shame, vulnerability, leadership, courage. Has written a number of New York Times bestsellers on these topics. And she once said that blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability. She also says that, quote, when we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice. And yes, our own behavior or our own choices. So saying it's me, even in an unhealthy relationship or work environment, is empowering yourself to figure out what steps you can take to change the situation. And I'm not saying this is something that you can or should do alone. It might be recognizing that, hey, I can talk with a therapist or a counselor. That's something I've never done before. And maybe that'll help. Or maybe I need to pray more. Maybe I need to find a supportive community, a faith-based community, or a nonprofit organization to connect with people who may have gone through or are going through similar experiences who could really understand and empathize with what I'm experiencing. You have that kind of power. And you're realizing and your brainstorming and accepting that there are small steps that you can take with help or guidance from others is empowering. It empowers you to say, okay, I see my role because I see my role and I acknowledge my role. Again, I'm not talking about blame. I see my role, I acknowledge my role, I can now change it. Whether it's setting more boundaries, separating yourself from the situation, whatever that might look like. But one thing we know is you can't change what you don't acknowledge. And so recognizing what you have the power to influence and change is a boss move. That's the first step to your freedom. It's liberating. It's not submission, it's liberation.

Speaker:

Alright, here's another objection: the bystander objection. One might say, this is a tricky one. One might say, hey doc, I didn't even do anything. I was just watching. Like I was an innocent bystander. Like, how could it be me? What are you talking about? Hey, in the spiritual realm, silence is in itself an action. In a play, a silent character is still a character on the stage. Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan? The priest and the Levite passed by on the other side of the road? What did they do? They did nothing. They didn't beat up the man, they didn't rob him, they just kept walking. But their inaction was their role. Their apathy was their sin. If you're in a meeting, in a family gathering, in a faith-based setting, and you you see something going wrong, injustice playing out, and you stay silent. Guess what? Whether you accept it or not, you have played a role. And so asking what role did I play helps you identify where your silence might have been interpreted as agreement or consent. Alright, friends, so here's where the rubber meets the road. It's time for some action. Over the next week, next couple of weeks, next few months, in 2026, you're you may very well face some type of challenging, stressful, some type of stressful situation. The car may break down, or it might be sibling rivalry, a looming deadline. When that pressure hits, I want you to resist the urge to react right away. I want you to resist the urge to point the finger. Instead, I want you to run to this formula. Take a deep breath, say it's me, and ask, what role did I play? Step one, take a deep breath. Step two, say it's me.

Speaker:

Step three, ask, what role did I play? If you do this, you'll stop being a thermometer that just reads the temp that you stop being a thermometer that just reacts to the temperature in the room, and you become that thermostat that sets the temperature. You will move from blame to growth. You can text me using the link that says send us a message. It's right below the episode title. Tell me how this formula created a shift in your emotion, in your conversation, in your reaction. Tell me how it changed the vibe in a meeting, in an interaction. Let's encourage each other as we build this movement. Remember, the movement is you. It's what you do with this formula. Start the week strong. Get some rest. And remember, it's me. God bless you, friends. Have a wonderful week and stay safe as you enter 2026. This is actually the last episode of 2025. I look forward to continuing the conversation in the new calendar year. Peace out.