Faith Meets Academia

Episode 32 - The Power of a Soft Answer (Proverbs 15:1): Lessons in Emotional Intelligence

• Dr. Adrian Reynolds

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Unlock the secrets of emotional intelligence through the timeless biblical wisdom. Discover how a simple shift in communication, inspired by Proverbs 15:1, can transform conflicts into harmonious exchanges. Imagine the power of a soft answer in defusing anger and fostering understanding. Our journey through emotional intelligence will reveal practical strategies like self-awareness, empathy, and social skills—keys to enhancing your relationships both personally and professionally. This episode is your guide to applying emotional intelligence in numerous circumstances, acknowledging its challenges but celebrating and embracing its benefits. By integrating these principles with biblical insights, you’ll learn to navigate complex interactions with grace and integrity, inspiring others to to the same.

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DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely my own and do not reflect or represent the positions, policies, or opinions of my employer, any organization or academic institution with which I am affiliated. This podcast is a personal initiative, and is not connected to my official/ formal duties and responsibilities as a university professor.

Dr. A:

Hey friends, thanks for joining me once again for another episode. This is episode 32. This is going to be short and sweet. Short and sweet. I believe that for sure you are going to learn something new. You're about to hear something that you've never heard before. I mean, if not, I mean this would be. You know, this would be like just another podcast, right? But on this episode and all the other episodes on this podcast really, and all the other episodes on this podcast really, you're going to be introduced to a concept, an idea, a fresh perspective, new insights that will make you go hmm, never heard of that before, or I've heard of that concept or that principle before, but I'm now looking at it in a whole new way, from a new perspective. And these are the light bulb moments, if you will, that this podcast brings every week. And these moments aren't just inspirational, they are actionable in the sense that you can walk away with practical strategies that you can implement implement in your day-to-day life for personal, professional or academic growth and success. I hope your week is going well and I wish you great success for the rest of the week and the weeks to come. It's no accident that you're listening to this podcast. God has directed you to this podcast for this episode because there's something that you're going to hear that will be life-changing. So let's dive in.

Dr. A:

But before we get to the heart of the matter, I want to share with you a review that I received, based on the last episode, which is titled From Inspiration to Action how to Shift your Focus and Reframe your Story. While in Virginia for a church event last weekend, I had the opportunity to meet the twin brother of Reverend Alton Lee Sr. You may remember him from episodes 28 and 29,. Right, yeah, I had the opportunity to meet in person his twin brother, mr Arthur Yancey. He goes by the name Rico, and what do you know? He goes by the name Rico, and what do you know? Rico has now become a huge fan of Faith Meets Academia. Yeah, he's now part of the family, and he sent me this review after listening to episode 31. And here's what it says Good morning, caught up with your last podcast episode.

Dr. A:

Wow, what a word. It was awesome, loved, when you said it's one thing to hear words, words can invoke feelings and emotions, but what practical strategies can we get from those words that we can then use to turn them into real change in our behaviors that's deep. Then you asked have you tried comforting and encouraging someone else while you're going through your storm, your valley, or climbing up the rough side of the mountain? Another great question. Then you tied it back to Job, where it says and the Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends, shifting the focus from his own despair to praying for someone else. Wow, bro, those words are powerful. I will absolutely try that. Bless you. When someone says, I will absolutely try that after listening to a podcast episode, I mean, for me that's encouraging, it's reassuring, it's motivating. It really lets me know why I am doing this, why I keep coming back week to week with these episodes, because they're clearly having an impact. So, hey, I feel blessed that God has used me in this way, at this time, to be a blessing to so many individuals all across the world. So keep tuning in so that you can experience the transformative power of this movement. All right, so let's dive right in.

Dr. A:

Today we're going to reflect on this one scripture, Proverbs 15:1. Here's what it says A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word steers up anger. Let me read that again A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word steers up anger. Yeah, right now I can just hear you saying hmm, easier said than done, and I know it is hard sometimes to give that soft answer when you feel like you have every reason to scream and yell at the top of your lungs. But hey, that's why I'm here to reason through this with you, right, you don't have to do this by yourself. Scripture says come now, let's reason together. So today we're going to explore how this concept or this theoretical framework called emotional intelligence, combined with, of course, biblical wisdom, can help us control our emotions and thereby influence the reactions of others, because people react to your actions or your behaviors, right? So how we can use emotional intelligence, in addition to biblical insights, to control our own emotions and build stronger relationships through empathetic communication and a heightened sense of self-awareness.

Dr. A:

All right, so let's talk about this thing called emotional intelligence. You've probably heard of it before, right? What is it? What is it? It's the ability to understand and manage, while recognizing and responding to the emotions of others. So emotional intelligence can help you effectively navigate social interactions or situations. It can help you to build stronger relationships and even handle stress more effectively.

Dr. A:

Emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, which stands for emotional quotient, is the other side of the intelligence coin, if you will. So on one side of the coin, we have IQ, which measures cognitive intelligence. That basically means our ability to reason, think and solve problems right. And then, on the other side of the coin, we have EQ, which focuses, like I said, on our ability to understand, manage and channel our emotions. Understand, manage and channel our emotions effectively and productively, both in ourselves and in our interactions with others. I think, and many would agree, that both EQ and IQ are equally important. They definitely create a more holistic or complete image or picture of what it means to be intelligent and successful in both one's personal and professional life.

Dr. A:

Emotional intelligence has five key components, right, and those components are self-awareness, self-control or self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. All right, so let me talk briefly about each one of those. So first, self-awareness this basically means you know how you feel and understand why you feel the way you do. You understand your own emotions and how these emotions affect your thoughts and actions. Number two, self-regulation or self-control. I mean this basically means keeping your emotions in check, even in high stress, challenging situations, avoiding the urge to react impulsively. Number three, motivation, and specifically internal motivation. This is having a passion, a drive, a strong desire to achieve your goals, because you are driven by personal growth and development, rather than external praise or rewards. The fourth component empathy. This means understanding how others feel. This was the entire topic of episode 30, empathy in action the Do's and Don'ts of Compassionate Communication. Empathy refers to understanding how others feel, being able to connect with their perspective, being able to understand their circumstance through their eyes, connecting with the feelings of others and responding in a supportive way. The fifth component here is social skills. Generally speaking, this is just being aware of effective communication strategies, how to resolve conflicts and how to interact effectively with others. Now I'm going to share with you some very personal real-life examples of how many of these components of emotional intelligence apply in real life.

Dr. A:

So in my last episode, episode 31, I mentioned that I recently had surgery right. So, before the procedure, you know, know, while I was in the I think they would call that the pre-op room. You know, pre-operating. You know room right before I go into surgery, and they're hooking you up with the iv and all that stuff. The nurse was trying to start an IV, meaning she was about to stick me with a needle. All right, I did warn her that you know my veins can sometimes be stubborn and you know it might take multiple tries. You know she may have multiple failed attempts.

Dr. A:

Well, it turns out, after multiple failed attempts this nurse said huh, you have hard skin. Oh, maybe you didn't hear that. Let me repeat it. She said you have hard skin. Now, just to clarify, this is not a medical diagnosis. She's not referring to a medical condition. I mean, she's simply saying you have hard skin, as if to say the reason why I can't get this needle in the right position it's because you have hard skin. There is what they call an implicit bias or implicit prejudice In that statement. I won't get into the details of that at this juncture, but what I'll do is in the episode description, please. Every now and then I throw a lot of resources in the episode description area, such as scientific peer-reviewed articles or it might be educational videos. I am going to post a couple articles in that section and I would highly encourage you to read those articles and you'll understand why I'm saying that comment you have hard skin was reflective of an implicit bias.

Dr. A:

Now, I could have reacted to that in anger, but I had better things to think about. I mean, I was about to have surgery, man. I just did not respond. I didn't respond at all. And you know what I've discovered? That sometimes y'all get this sometimes a soft answer is no answer at all, meaning it's so soft that, like you're responding in your head but you decide to not vocalize what you're thinking. Yeah, sometimes a soft answer is no answer at all, and that's the route that I took in this case. So by controlling my emotions, I avoided escalating the situation, and this aligns with Proverbs 17: 28. Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace. When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive, considered perceptive and sometimes, brothers and sisters, holding your peace is the best response, because once those words leave your mouth, there's no turning back. You can't take them back. So, as they say, you have to engage your mind before you engage your mouth. Have you ever been in a situation where saying nothing was the best answer? How did that affect the outcome?

Dr. A:

There was another instance I want to share with you where for me, a soft answer meant no answer at all. You know I went to see my physician. You know I'm in the physician's office and the nurse comes in to you know, do what she does. You know how they go over your medications and are you still taking that? Are you still doing that? You know yes, no, so on and so forth. So she's, you know she's going down her checklist and she comes across this medication and you know she had the nerve to ask why are you taking that? Why do you need that? And I'm like you know this is in my mind.

Dr. A:

I did not respond. I did not vocalize what I was thinking. That was my soft answer no response at all. Physician, it's not your place to question why I'm taking a medication that was prescribed to me by the physician. I mean your job in that moment is just to confirm if I'm still taking the medication or not. That's it. It's quite simple. So in my mind I'm saying I'm not even going to waste time responding to this. I mean I don't think it was rude for me to not respond. I mean I think it was rude of her to even ask the question, seeking an explanation for me as to why I was taking the medication. It just wasn't necessary. So my soft answer was no answer at all and she just kept on moving. I didn't react angrily to the question, I remained calm. It's as if she had never even asked. Never even asked. It's as if she had never even said a word. So in that moment I was able to demonstrate self-awareness and self-control, or self-regulation. So, understanding that the question or the comment about the medication just wasn't relevant wasn't helpful, I just held my peace.

Dr. A:

Remember James 1:19 reminds us. So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. This scripture encourages us to listen more and speak less, and that could help us in many situations avoid unnecessary conflict. So next time someone says something that you find troubling or infuriating, maybe you can ask yourself is it worth even responding to this? This? Could silence or calm response change the direction or the tone of the conversation? These are questions that you have to ask yourself, otherwise you'll go down a path that could get you in some serious trouble. So, yes, sometimes a soft answer means no answer at all, no response. But then there are other times, interestingly, there are other times where a soft answer means what it says. A soft answer, yeah. Let me give you an example.

Dr. A:

One evening I was trying to find my way to our daughter's violin rehearsal. For some reason I just couldn't locate the room where they were practicing and so I asked for some directions. An older lady, one of the volunteers on site, started yelling it's that way, it's that way. Straight down the hall. And I responded softly and I said ma'am, you're yelling, you're yelling Just like that. Ma'am, you're yelling, you're yelling Just like that.

Dr. A:

I mean, usually people don't take well to anyone yelling at them, right, even though I wasn't aware of it in that moment, I definitely think I was exercising empathy because I had seen this woman many times in the past. I've never had any problems with her. I mean, all the volunteers, all the musicians at this place were always kind. I'd never been mean-spirited or anything. So I guess something kind of struck me as odd that just didn't allow me to yell back at all. And you know what back at all. And you know what? It turned out that this lady was hearing impaired and she actually said, after I said to her ma'am, you're yelling. I noticed she put her hand to her ear and I didn't realize what she was doing. But she said oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I need to adjust my hearing aid. So there was some glitch there with her, with the settings on her hearing aid to the extent that she didn't realize that she was yelling, and so I was really happy that I didn't yell back, because I would have. I would have felt really bad if I did, because you know what, hey, if I lived to see her age, I might be in the same situation, right?

Dr. A:

So think about what Colossians 3:12 says. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies and beloved put on tender mercies kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering or patience this is a reminder that a soft answer grounded in empathy and kindness can help us be more understanding of and patient with each other. How often do we misinterpret someone else's actions? Could empathy help you respond more thoughtfully? Think about that. Now let me just share one last story with you, and this is yet another example of when a soft answer means a soft answer.

Dr. A:

So recently I was on my way home from the airport, 2 AM, right, two o'clock in the morning, right. So I ordered a lift and the driver pulls up and interestingly, you know, as the driver was pulling up, I noticed this gentleman yelling at another driver, who I don't know might have pulled up at the wrong station or something, I don't know, but he was yelling at the guy or something. I don't know, but he was yelling at the guy. I'm like, dude, just get inside the car and go where you're going. He's standing outside the car. The car pulls up. He's standing outside the car yelling at the left driver. I'm like this driver is going to be at the wheels, you're going to be in the backseat. Like seriously, I mean your life is sort of in the driver's hands. But anyway, I just chuckled to myself. So I get in the car and you know the driver, you know, moves off. Yeah, everything's going well.

Dr. A:

Then you know, as we're departing the airport, you know, okay, so far, so good. Seems like he's going in the right direction. But then things took quite drop me off. I mean it's a straight shot, like directly west of the airport. I couldn't even say northwest or southwest. It's like straight across from the airport. I mean to get to my house from the airport, I mean you could take the local roads or you could take the highway, but either way you're headed west. So we're driving along and I see that we're headed southeast, like clearly away from my house, not toward my house.

Dr. A:

I've never had that experience before. And you know, you get all these thoughts in your head like I mean, is this guy trying to kidnap me? Or like, what, what in the world? And I calmly said to the guy no, no, no, no, no, you're going the wrong way. I mean, just like that. I was like you're going the wrong way. No, you're going the wrong way. I mean, just like that. I was like you're going the wrong way. You're going the wrong way. It gets better.

Dr. A:

He responds no english, no english. It happened to south florida. Now, instead of becoming frustrated, instead of yelling if it had been that other guy that I saw yelling at the lift driver at the airport, this driver would be in serious trouble. But you know, I maintained my composure and I simply switched to Spanish and calmly gave him directions so that I could get home and get home safely. Yeah, I just gave him the directions in Spanish. See, this is where being multilingual does help tremendously. Well, these days, they have apps that could translate anything. Well, these days, they have apps that could translate anything.

Dr. A:

But this moment really exemplified the social skills component of emotional intelligence and, by the way, the framework of emotional intelligence, as I explained earlier, I didn't come up with that. I mean this has been well researched. Again, check out the episode description. But yes, this exemplifies the social skills component in the sense that I was able to adapt my communication. To meet this guy where he was, I was able to adapt, adjust my communication. I was able to adapt, adjust my communication, the language of communication, based on the nature of the conversation at that time and what was really needed. There would be no point in me getting frustrated at him for not speaking English, like that wouldn't get me to my destination any quicker at all. Think about the last time you adapted your approach or your language to help someone else. How could your flexibility, your willingness to adapt, improve the interpersonal communication?

Dr. A:

Friends, I truly believe that applying this notion of emotional intelligence can bring us great benefits, whether it's on the job, in school, in our families, interacting with even total strangers. So I encourage you to try this out, or try harder. Now let me repeat that I'm not here saying this is all easy. Yes, sometimes it's difficult to not respond at all. Sometimes it's difficult to respond just with a soft answer. To respond just with a soft answer. Everything is context-dependent, right? So if a child is about to touch a hot, if a child is about to touch a red-hot stovetop, of course, you probably would have to raise your voice for the safety of the child. So I want you to understand that Everything is always context-bound, but there are many instances where a soft answer, or no answer at all, may work to our advantage, and that's what I'm encouraging us to consider how can I do a more effective job of determining how I respond?

Dr. A:

By using more self-awareness, self-control or self-regulation, self-control or self-regulation, empathy and sharpening my social skills or interpersonal communication skills. Well, that's all I have for you today. Thank you for joining me for this episode. Yes, indeed, emotional intelligence, combined with biblical wisdom, gives us the tools to turn away anger, build strong relationships and navigate life's most difficult interactions with integrity and grace. Integrity and grace. Hey, listen, if this episode has been an inspiration, don't forget to share it with a friend, family member, drop a comment on Spotify or leave a review on Apple Podcasts, so we can keep spreading the love and keep having an impact. God bless.